A Very Thankful 'Murican Thanksgiving (awesome trio)
by ObeytheCupcake
Summary: Unable to afford to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving, Alfred takes his two best friends, Mathis and Gilbert, out to hunt for one. But the trio runs into trouble, resulting in four-wheeler chases and hospital visits.


As the three men readied themselves for the night, it seemed that two of them had become distracted by a certain object that usually would be hidden from public view. But Alfred, today, for reasons that were deemed as proper for the occasion, decided it was perfectly acceptable to showcase the one he calls Privet Eye.

And as he held his Privet Eye in one hand, he looked down at the down that were eying it with a look of perhaps shock, but also twisted with amazement.

Then, an ultra-pale hand fell onto the black object. He himself was surprised how dark it actually was; jet black, in fact. And as he wrapped his fingers around the shaft, he was barely able to make his fingertips come together. "Wow…" He muttered, his jaw unlatching quickly while another hand fell to Privet Eye. "It's like, soda can thick!" Gilbert praised while Mathis nodded his head, wrapping his fingers around it but unable to make them met together.

"Yeah! Dude, what's your secrets!?" Mathis asked while Alfred laughed a hearty laugh; a cocky laugh, too.

Alfred was proud that the two were so impressed by Privet Eye. He was certain that he would impress more people, but today only two other eyes will see him today.

And as he swung the strap over his bag, he smirked, looking at them while he said "Second amendment, bitch!"

The two went "Ooohhhh!" in unison while Mathis snapped his fingers. They honestly should've seen that coming. "Anyways, is everyone ready to go out tonight to get what we came for!?" Alfred asked while the two stood upright, nodding their heads. He paced back and forth, inspecting the two with a careful eye. "Do we have our camouflage coats?"

"Yes!" They both answered.

"Do we have our waterproof boots?"

"Yes!"

"Do we have our walkie-talkies?"

"Yes!"

"Do we have our playlist set up on Spotify to epic rock songs?"

"Yes!"

"And do we have headphones because we all know it's a bitch not having headphones when we need them!?" He grew angered, remembering the time once before when his headphones were left on his nightstand instead of being in his pocket. That caused him to listen to chatter around him on the bus while he peered emotionally through the window, listening to how Jimmy's cornhole wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

"Yes!"

"Most importantly," Alfred said while he spun Privet Eye around to showcase it proudly once more. "Do we all have our weapons of mass destruction?"

"Yes!" Gilbert said, but Mathis didn't look as enthusiastic about his answer. Alfred looked at him, suspiciously while his camouflage hat sat on the rim of his glasses.

"What's the matter with that look, Mathis?" Alfred asked, but Mathis looked up at him, pulling something out of his camouflage jacket.

"All I got is this Lego gun that I made the night before. Is that okay or…?"

Alfred and Gilbert looked him dead in the eye before shaking their heads in disbelief. "Why on earth would that be okay?" Gilbert asked, sighing deeply. Alfred sat down at the kitchen's table, resting his head in his hands.

"I-I thought it be fine." Mathis defended. "Look, I'm sorry, okay?"

"Go grab a gun out of the gun closet." Alfred said.

"Where's that at?" Mathis asked.

Sighing, Alfred said "Down the hall right next to the Twinkies room and right across from the Toni's bedroom. How the hell can you miss it?"

And with that, Mathis went down the hall to find the room that held all the guns Alfred owned. He did, in fact, get a little lost. Instead of going into the gun room, he accidently ended up in a room that seemed to be dedicated in explaining why Fox News was a reliable news source.

Tonight was important and Alfred didn't want to ruin it. On this night, they would go out and hunt a turkey for their Thanksgiving dinner that Alfred was supposed to prepare like he does every year. Usually, he would go out and buy the biggest bird he saw at WalMart, but unfortunately, he ran into problems this year that made him unable to purchase the bird.

Those problems consisting of the, uh, debt that lingered over Alfred's head, like the mistletoe that would look down at him, judgmentally, when he wouldn't have a bae to call his for the seasoning. He offered to be Gilbert's holiday boyfriend but he said he would consider it. Mathis then got jealous, saying "I always feel like the third wheel with you two!" so they're considering a polyamory relationship for the holidays. Alfred, though, is unsure if that would be the best idea. He doesn't even like sharing his food let alone a boyfriend.

But, the other part is that it would be somewhat festive, considering in the story that is held in the Bible has three Wise Men. The only difference is that this wise men will most likely take part in homosexual acts, but even then, who knows if the Wise Men didn't?  
>"Okay guys," Mathis said, smiling. "I'm back!"<p>

"I don't think hunting for turkeys with an assault rifle is a really good idea." Gilbert informed, but Alfred shook his hand, letting his hand fall onto Mathis's shoulder, roughly.

"He'll be fine. I've never gone hunting, but I think we'll be okay." He turned toward the door, seeing how the sun was setting and that soon, they would need to leave. Preferably now.

And so, they marched out of the house, chanting "Hunting! Hunting!" while they did so. But once Gilbert and Mathis went over to get into Alfred's car, he stood by the driver's door. They both looked at him, puzzled. "Where's not using the car." He said, walking over to something that was under a tarp.

"But the car has heat! It's getting cold!" Mathis explained, but Alfred tuned him out, pulling up the black tarp to reveal a four-wheeler that they would be using.

"Alfred," Gilbert started, walking away from the car and over toward the four-wheeler with Mathis by his side. "You can't be serious… How are we all going to fit on that thing?"

"Easy!" Alfred said while he sat on the front, scooting closely to the front. "Now someone sit closer to me. Mathis, you do it." He commanded and Mathis sat in the middle, pushed up closely to Alfred's back. And last but not least, Gilbert sat in the back.

Needless to say they left this way. It was a tight, cold fit, but they managed, surprisingly. As they drove down the road on the four-wheeler, they had many confused eyes on them as they did so. Mathis was uncomfortable with them and Gilbert felt judged. But Alfred didn't mind, because he knew that soon, there will be a turkey he would have to clean out soon.

X

"We're here!" Alfred stopped the four-wheeler and everyone unloaded. "Okay, so there's a deer stand we'll be using to spot out some turkeys."

"So we're just going to stay up there the whole time?" Mathis asked.

"No, but most of the time, yes." He passed him some ammo for his gun. "Now be careful with that assault rifle. It's a little sensitive on the trigger at times. I mean yeah, you can't kill us 'cause we're countries and all, but we can still get hurt… Well, actually you can kill Gilbert since he's not a country anymore."

"Oh, yeah, I could!"

"What!?" Gilbert shouted, feeling as if he would be murdered tonight. "And I still can't be killed, thank you very much."

"Dude," Alfred started, climbing the later to the deer stand. "Yes you can." He laughed a bit.

Once Alfred was further up the later, Gilbert and Mathis followed up with him, still bickering over whether Gilbert could really die or not. "There's only one way to find out." Mathis said, sitting on the floor of the stand.

Gilbert climbed up and sat furthest away from him. "Please, I don't feel like dying today."

"Yeah, he did that in 1947." Alfred added, causing everyone to laugh but Gilbert.

And as he crossed his arms and pouted, he hissed "Shut the fuck up that's why your debt is as high as Snoop Dog on April twentieth. Mathis, you shut the fuck up since the only thing you're known for is either being the hated brother of Scandinavia, fucking Legos or those Danishes that taste like glue half the time."

Everyone sat in silence, waiting for someone to say something. But then Alfred broke it with a laugh. "With all this debt but STILL a country."

"Owned by China." Mathis added, causing a giggle to come from Gilbert.

Alfred looked over at him, his jaw unlatched as he gave him his best "Dafuq?" face. "Who's side are you in, dude?!"

"I stand alone."

" 'Cause your brother's hate you!" Gilbert said, causing Mathis to grab at his chest, holding his heart while he started to tear up.

Mathis looked out of the hollowed out window, watching as the sun set while a stray tear fell onto his pale cheek. "Why must you hurt me in this way?"

Alfred groaned, watching as Gilbert crossed his arms even tighter. "At this right, the Christmas boyfreind's thing is off." Alfred suggested, making the two gasp.

Mathis was looking forward to the Christmas boyfriend situation. He's never had a lover on the holidays unless the porn sites were willing to give free trials. At that rate, he would be able to love all he wanted. Gilbert, however, had many lovers on the holidays but he always adored the feeling of having someone on the holidays.

So, needless to say, he wanted to keep things in the green this year.

But then he thought of something. "Wait, I just realized that we've never seen each other's dicks."

Alfred gave him suspicious eyes. "You're saying that like it's a bad thing…"

"Gilbert's probably seen mine. He's _that_ kind of guy that stands too close to you in the urinals."

And with some discussion, Gilbert had convinced the two to describe their penis's the best to their abilities. Everyone was impressed, to say the least. Mathis had described his member as being ' Rumpleforeskin' due to him not being circumcised.

Amazed and slightly disgusted, Alfred didn't know how to respond. All he said was "How?" to which Gilbert replied "I'm not circumcised either. UNCUT FOR LIFE!" and gave Mathis a hard high five which they both enjoyed equally.

Alfred, feeling left out of the brotherhood that was recently formed, decided to explain the benefits of having a trimmed up Private Eye. All he could really say was that it made it cleaner, but even then they uncut brotherhood came back saying it makes it more sensitive and such.

Gilbert had described his member as the 'Albino Cave Dweller', to which the both sort of predicted and agreed was a good pick for Gilbert.

But Alfred had said his was the 'S.S Enterthighs' to which everyone lost their shit to. It was a good conversation; very constructive and Alfred even learned something about his two friends.

It was a good day.

But it wasn't over yet since they haven't started hunting just yet.

X

"Do you have any sixes?" Gilbert asked Mathis, but he shook his head.

"Nah, bruh, go fishin'." He said, making the other man sigh deeply while he stuck his hand into the pile of cards to grab one.

Alfred was over by the hollowed out window, watching the darkened night, trying to spot at least one turkey. But again, it was starting to become even harder to spot something move in the charcoal colored sky.

And besides, they hadn't spotted one even when the sky was bright enough to see anything. So fair, it looked as if he would have to take the money he had and buy a turkey from the store to feed the countries that would be coming over for the American holiday.

But as soon as all hope was gone, he spotted something move in the night.

"Got any nines?" Mathis asked.

"SHH!" Alfred hissed loudly, causing the two to silence; pausing their game. "I think I see a wabbit."

"We're hunting turkeys, not rabbits!" Gilbert whispered loudly. But Alfred shot his gun toward the creature.

"We're hunting whatever the fuck I want to." He turned around with a proud smile along his lips. "I shot a- " But he was interrupted once a loud yelping noise came from the animal.

The three stood still; unable to comprehend what just happened. Do turkeys even yelp? Probably not, but whatever was just shot, whether it be a turkey or not, Alfred had decided he would eat anyway since so much time and preparation was taken into account for this little hunting adventure.

"Turkeys don't yelp…" Mathis informed.

"Oh, I didn't know you were a fucking turkey expert, Mathis." Alfred said, standing up to the best of his abilities while getting to the later. Only his head poked out while he said "Now come on and let's get it so we can go home and clean this bitch."

But the two continued to play their cards. "Go fish."

"Guyyyyssssssssss." Alfred whined, stomping his feet on the later.

"You killed it, so you go get it." Mathis put a card down, looking down at the pile.

"Fine, then I'll leave you two out here."

And with that, they all went to go retrieve whatever it was that Alfred shot. Everyone was hoping that it would be a turkey, and it probably was, too.

"Okay, someone pull out a flashlight." Gilbert said, unable to see like the rest. But everyone sighed, causing the white haired man to become frustrated. "Did we seriously forget to bring out flashlights?"

"Yeah, but I did bring a fleshlight!" Alfred said, pulling out the adult sex toy.

Mathis laughed at Alfred while he pulled out his iPhone, turning the flashlight on, giving it to Gilbert. "Here, use this."

Gilbert took it, the trio staying close together while they searched for an animal somewhere, most likely dead and having a bullet wound on it's flesh, too.

The leafs underneath their feet were crisp, making each step terribly loud and bothersome. But it was fine since soon, they'd be able to leave and begin the Thanksgiving feast.

So they thought.

Gilbert gasped, along with everyone else while they looked down at the creature the blonde haired American had shot. Mathis dropped the fleshlight onto the dead creature out of shock. "Mein GOTT! Alfred!" Gilbert shouted, looking down at the collar of the animal. "YOU SHOT SOMEONE'S DOG!"

"NO I DIDN'T!"

"IT'S DEAD! YOU FUCKING KILLED IT!" Gilbert looked down at the collar, seeing that its name was Hunter; clever name for a hunting dog. " ITS NAME WAS HUNTER, ALFRED!"

But then, someone else's footsteps entered into the woods while they whistled and clicked their tongue, calling for something. The three concluded that that was the owner of the dog that Alfred had just killed. But they didn't know whether they should run away or tell him what happened.

"Hunter! Hunter, where are ya?" The man shouted, getting closer to the trio.

They all shook in their waterproof boots; what will they say? They're frozen with fear. "Play some of the country music!" Mathis whispered. "Go on my playlist and play something to make the situation better."

And with that, Gilbert went onto his playlist on Spotify, trying to find a decent song to fit the mood. He didn't know country music so it was more of a shot in the dark. And look what a shot in the dark got them into at the moment.

Then, the man appeared but they couldn't see him very well since it was very dark out. "Hey, fellas, have you seen a dog go by he-." He was cut short this time as he saw the flashlight shine down on the dog, he seeing it looked exactly like his; a dark gray and brown pointer. "H-Hunter?..."

And then, Gilbert's finger slipped while one of the country songs in Mathis's playlist started to sing. Suddenly, the words to Josh Turner's song 'Just to be Your Man' began playing while the light shined down upon the dog. "W-w-we're sorry!" Gilbert cried while he dropped the phone onto the dog but quickly picked it up. "We thought he was a turkey, we really did! It was moving around and it… we thought it was a turkey!"

With anger obviously in the man's eyes, he began to shout. "My dog! You fuckboys killed my damn dog! My dog!" They heard him cock his gun.

"HOLY SHIT HE'S GOING TO KILL US!" Alfred shouted, grabbing the two by the shoulders while he began to run. "COME ON; LET'S GET ON THE FOUR-WHEELER AND LEAVE!"

And as they ran, the song was still playing at full blast while the flashlight was on as well, angled to guide their steps. As they ran away, the man behind them began firing shots in all directions, causing Alfred to panic because he remembered something; Gilbert could die, but he and Mathis could not.

Alfred felt a ball form in his stomach while he thought of this. So he pushed Gilbert forward, trying to get behind him so if a shot is fired toward him, hopefully it would hit him rather than his friend. And almost as if Mathis and Alfred could read each other's mind, they both mentally agreed to protect Gilbert rather than themselves.

Reaching the four-wheeler, he, of course, got on first but rather quickly. He commanded that Gilbert sit in the middle while Mathis sat on the back which he had no problem with. As soon as they got on, they speed off, hearing more gun fire into the sky.

But then, Mathis stiffened up while a small growl left his lips. Alfred noticed. "What's the matter?"

"I-I've been shot! Oh, god! This hurts like fuck!" He cried, clinging tighter onto Gilbert's waist while the came out of the woods and began driving onto the gravel road.

"Don't worry; we'll take you to a hospital." Alfred insured. "But first… I need to make a pit stop." He swallowed his pride; this wouldn't be easy.

X

So, typically when you go to a parking lot of a WalMart you wouldn't see a four-wheeler in one of the parking spaces. Maybe if you live in Mississippi, but not when you live around where Alfred was.

Alfred had left Mathis on the four-wheeler while he and Gilbert ran into WalMart to get the turkey that Alfred wished he would've never have to resort to buying a turkey this evening, but he wasn't going to go hunting while he was being hunting.

And while Alfred and Gilbert were in the WalMart, Mathis laid there on the four-wheeler, groaning in pain while his hand lay along his pale skin, trying to stop the blood from oozing out of his skin. Of course he'd be alright, but it still hurt like a little bitch.

"Alfred, why not this one?" Gilbert asked holding one of the largest in the bin.

Nervously biting his lip, he shook his head and looked back down at the bin, thinking that a small one would be just fine.

"We need a big one, you know. With all the people coming over to eat, you're going to have to get a bigger one."

"But they're so expensive!"

Gilbert looked down at his camouflage jacket, thinking of a way to get Alfred to get a bigger turkey. It's true that a smaller one wouldn't do well from all the people he would always invite.

Alfred would always invite his brother, Matthew along with Arthur. Even though it was usual awkward, he would still do so because he was like a brother as well. Then there was Francis to judge his food while he ate it, Ivan to eat all the food and compliment him on it, Yao to bring the desserts, Kiku to sit there and appreciate everything at the table, Ludwig to give entertainment by yelling at Feliciano, Mathis because he was a homie, Gilbert because he was a homie too, Scandinavia because they're pretty cool and most of the European countries.

Okay, all the European countries.

So obviously an eight pound pussy ass turkey just won't cut it.

"I'mma steal this turkey." Alfred said, taking the biggest turkey by the handle. "C'mon, we're going to the dressing rooms, stick this under my shirt and make a dash for it."

"Alfred, that's ridiculous. Just pay for it."

He turned toward him, looking his dead in the eyes while he slipped into the dressing room and unzipped his jacket and placed the frozen bird in it then zipped it back up. "B-But stealing's the American way…"

"I guess you're right."

Alfred walked out of the dressing room with a large lump in his coat. "Is it obvious?" He asked, rubbing on the frozen mass.

Rolling his eyes, he said "Not in the slightest."

Walking to the door wasn't easy, either. He had to hold the underpart of the jacket so his turkey that he was trying to steal wouldn't fall onto the floor and give him away. And it did, he had the perfect plan; he would fall to the floor with it while he began to cry, saying "Oh god, our baby! Gilbert, it's a turkey! It's a turkey!"

But there stood someone at the front of the door, inspecting the carts that zoomed by. With sweaty hands, he tightened his grip around the lower part of his stomach, feeling the chill from the frozen poultry on his stomach past his shirt.

"Hello!" Alfred said, casually while Gilbert hung close to him. "Happy Thanksgiving, bye."

"Sir, what is that under your shirt?" The women asked, adjusting her glasses, looking down at his shirt.

"My beer belly, ma'am. I think it's quite rude of you to ask me!"

She looked at him, suspiciously. "Take your hands off of your jacket."

He looked her dead in the eye, his brow twitching while he muttered "I didn't go to Vietnam for this."

The WalMart women rolled her brown eyes while Gilbert stood further away from Alfred, watching him create a scene. All Gilbert could think about was Mathis groaning and moaning in pain in the parking lot on the four-Wheeler with their guns they brought strapped to the back.

"Sir, you are in your twenties. Now take your hands off of your shirt!"

Alfred's glare toward her intensified while he inched closer to the automatic door that still was open for him and Gilbert to stroll out at any time, but it was delayed due to this woman who was accusing Alfred of stealing. Yeah, she was right but still.

"Look, let me go and we'll call it a day." But she didn't listen to him, only forced his hands off his waist, causing the turkey to fall from his jacket and fall into his toes. "FUCK!" He shouted, looking down at it, his eyes watering. "oh my god… It wasn't a beer belly… T'WAS A BABY! It has fetus alcohol poisoning, that's why it looks like a Butterball turkey."

But before the woman could reach down and grab it, Gilbert did while shouting "Alfred, come on!" where he ran with a limp as many Walmart employees chased after the pair.

"NEXT STOP, THE HOSPITAL."

X

And then a few days passed by, and it was Thanksgiving. Everyone was gathered in the house while the smell of the stolen turkey filled the air nicely along with the countless of sides and Chinese desserts accompanied it.

Looking around, Alfred realized that he had great friends even with their differences. He appreciated Matthew for being a great brother, Arthur for raising him the best he could, Francis for taking his side while he argued with Arthur, Ludwig for his kick ass cars, Feliciano for Chef Boyardee, Ivan for… he doesn't exactly know, but he's thankful for him anyways. And then there's the two of his best friends. He's thankful for Mathis and Gilbert for being there when he needs someone to talk to or have a good time.

Alfred heard the chatter of everyone around him, the majority of them laughing and eating. He looked over at Gilbert and Mathis on either side of them and said "This was a good Thanksgiving, isn't it?" To which the both smiled, nodding their heads. "Thank you for being my friends, you two."

And that's when Alfred realized that he's Thankful for a lot of things, but most of all, he's thankful for the friends he has made.


End file.
